Posts
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13084
A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”
She replies, “Go away! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Monday, March 8, 2010
When I'm A Little Old Lady
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/10230
When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head.
I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again.
I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!
When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head.
I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again.
I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!
Wedding Registry
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/10444
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
The Australian Ventriloquist
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13087
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13047
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Trucker Hits A Pig
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13077
A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”
A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”
DEA Dog On A Plane
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13082
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”
A Blonde Goes Ice Fishing
Taken From: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/ice-fishing.html
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Why I Fired My Secretary
Taken From: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/why-i-fired-my-secretary.html
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Naming The Twins
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Redneck-Jokes/Naming-the-Twins.html
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Lawyer's Dog
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Lawyer's-Dog.html
Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
Only Three Doors
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Blonde-Jokes/Only-three-doors.html
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Revenge Is Sweet
Some of you might think this is sick but I just think this is hilarious.
Taken From; http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Fart-Jokes/Revenge-Is-Sweet.html
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Taken From; http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Fart-Jokes/Revenge-Is-Sweet.html
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Just Like Dad
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Gender-Jokes/Just-Like-Dad.html
Just Like Dad
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Just Like Dad
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The Less You Know, The More You Make
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/The-Less-You-Know,-The-More-You-Make.html
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Things Only Women Understand
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Gender-Jokes/Things-Only-Women-Understand.html
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Labour Pains
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Labour-Pains.html
Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Marriage Lessons
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Relationship-Jokes/Marriage-Lessons.html
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Blonde Paint Job
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Blonde-Jokes/Blonde-paint-job.html
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Amazing Facts
Taken From: http://www.e-jokes.net/true/027.htm
Amazing Facts
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.
Snails breathe through their feet!
Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.
The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen 'Born in the USA'.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)
2 out of 5 people live in China or India.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it...
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.
Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
What's the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.
More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!
Amazing Facts
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.
Snails breathe through their feet!
Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.
The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen 'Born in the USA'.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)
2 out of 5 people live in China or India.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it...
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.
Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
What's the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.
More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!
Devoted Love On A Special Day...LOL
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/Devoted-love-stories.asp
Devoted love on the special Day
Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"
Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.
Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.
"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"
Devoted love on the special Day
Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"
Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.
Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.
"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"
You CAN Hurry Love
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/Hurry-Love-stories.asp
You Can Hurry Love
A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.
"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"
The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"
Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"
You Can Hurry Love
A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.
"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"
The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"
Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"
How She Knows You Love Her
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/How-She-knows-you-love-her.asp
How she knows you love her
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
How she knows you love her
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
The Smart Blonde
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/SmartBlonde.asp
The Smart Blonde
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
(Thanks Phoebe)
The Smart Blonde
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
(Thanks Phoebe)
Recovering Thinker
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/recovering_thinker.asp
Recovering Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?
(Thanks Bill)
Recovering Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?
(Thanks Bill)
Remember To Look Down After You Lift The Lid
Taken From: http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous-028.html
Affordable Home Security - Redneck Style
Taken From: http://www.redneck-humor.com/joke/affordable-home-security
Affordable Home Security
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house."
Affordable Home Security
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house."
The Funeral
Taken From: http://www.redneck-humor.com/joke/the-funeral
The Funeral
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
The Funeral
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
I Wish You Enough
I don’t know if you’ve had this before, I think I had, but it’s still worth repeating…
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'.
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'
'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.
She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends , acquaintances and loved ones ,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'.
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'
'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.
She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends , acquaintances and loved ones ,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
This was sent to me as a email a few months ago. I've always liked it. So here it is...
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement hequieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get outof the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ........... Enough of that crap . ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. You have two choices...smile and close thispage, or pass this along to someone else tospread the fun.
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement hequieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get outof the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ........... Enough of that crap . ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. You have two choices...smile and close thispage, or pass this along to someone else tospread the fun.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friend Request
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/funny_church_signs.htm#Ten_of_The_Best_Witty_and_Funny_Church_Signs
Witty Church Signs
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/funny_church_signs.htm#Ten_of_The_Best_Witty_and_Funny_Church_Signs
Ten of The Best Witty and Funny Church Signs
Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptised.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the chapel reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Ten of The Best Witty and Funny Church Signs
Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptised.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the chapel reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Church Sign
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_religious_jokes.htm#Church_Service_with_a_Difference_
How true this is!!!!
More Chores LOL
Taken From: http://media.photobucket.com/image/funny%20animals/FindStuff2/Funny/Funny%20Animals/myassoff5hh.png?o=10
This Kitty Means Business!!!!
Taken From: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=Funny+Animal+Pictures
Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous
Taken From: http://www.everyjoke.com/joke/5417/signs-you-should-join-e-mailers-anonymous.html
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing 'com' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing 'com' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
Funny Store Signs
Funny Store Signs
Taken From: http://www.everyjoke.com/joke/24938/funny-store-signs.html
.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Taken From: http://www.everyjoke.com/joke/24938/funny-store-signs.html
.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
911 Emergency Number
Taken From: http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/doctor/doctor001.htm
911 EMERGENCY NUMBER
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
911 EMERGENCY NUMBER
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Emergency In The Vet's Office
Lol. I know it's lame but I still think it's funny!!!
Taken From: http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/animals/animals008.htm
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Taken From: http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/animals/animals008.htm
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
The Fire Dog
Taken From: http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/animals/animals8.htm
THE FIRE DOG
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
THE FIRE DOG
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
Things To Do On A Elevator
Taken From: http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CKDKZ&Funny_Jokes=Things_To_Do_On_An_Elevator
Things To Do On An Elevator
mark as unread
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
Things To Do On An Elevator
mark as unread
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
Real 911 Calls
Taken From: http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CMGLF&Funny_Jokes=Real_911_Calls
Real 911 Calls
Emergency-call
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
Real 911 Calls
Emergency-call
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
The Pregnant Turkey
The Pregnant Turkey
Taken From: http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CLTJP&Funny_Jokes=The_Pregnant_Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
Taken From: http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CLTJP&Funny_Jokes=The_Pregnant_Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
I luv you butt.....
Taken From: http://www.pyzam.com/funnypictures/details/9694?cat=dogs&sort=popular
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Doing His Own Chores
Taken From: http://www.pyzam.com/funnypictures/details/7031?cat=all&sort=popular
Cross-eyes Rotweiler
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/42.php
Cross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Cross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
The Nonconformist Bird
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/4.php
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
The K9 Patrol
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/26.php
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/198.php
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Top 10 signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/1129.php
Top 10 signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house --only computers with laser printers.
9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
7. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
6. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels.
4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
1. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
Top 10 signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house --only computers with laser printers.
9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
7. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
6. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels.
4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
1. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Taken From: http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/1116.php
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A Frog Wants A Loan
Taken From: http://thejokes.co.uk/jokes-about-frogs.php
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this" and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this" and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Money In The Shoe Box
Taken From: http://www.funny-games.biz/jokes/shoebox-in-the-closet.html
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
Ordering Fast Food
Taken From: http://www.ahajokes.com/true101.html
Ordering fast food
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
Ordering fast food
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
Phone Keeps RInging
Taken From: http://www.ahajokes.com/true024.html
Phone keeps ringing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Phone keeps ringing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Annoying Calls
Taken From: http://www.ahajokes.com/true057.html
Annoying Calls
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
Annoying Calls
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Three Wishes
Taken From: http://www.jokeit.com/joke/j2207j4.html
The three wishes
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
The three wishes
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Praying Dog
Taken From: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YhYkuSVkXKI/Smtf21Q3tLI/AAAAAAAADr8/A3bcJZtv18A/s400/Praying_Dog.jpg
This picture was too precious. I just had t6o put it on here.
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Taken From: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Funny Dog Joke
Taken From: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
Funny Dog Joke
Posted on July 29, 2009 by quotes
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Funny Dog Joke
Posted on July 29, 2009 by quotes
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Funny Inheritance Joke
Funny Inheritance Joke
Taken From: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
Taken From: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
Snugglin your noodles
If my little Mary did that I think that I would lose it! Lol. I can't imagine the mess!
Honey Please!!!
This was taken from: http://www.funnyjunkz.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/funny-cat-picture-2.jpg It's just too funny. Look closely. Lol
AOL addiction poem
Taken From: http://www.101funjokes.com/internet-jokes.htm
AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
COFFEE DRINKER JOKES
I love coffee, but it's only one cup a day....
Taken From: http://www.101funjokes.com/coffee-drinker-jokes.htm
COFFEE DRINKER JOKES
For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Taken From: http://www.101funjokes.com/coffee-drinker-jokes.htm
COFFEE DRINKER JOKES
For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Kids Say The Cutest Things
Taken From: http://christiangrowth.homestead.com/livelovelaugh.html
Children say the cutest, most hilarious things! It sure is fun when we have the opportunity to see life from their perspective.
My 3-year-old son is fascinated with the concept that Jesus is in his heart. One day he asked me, "How do I get Jesus to come out of my heart?" I explained that Jesus lives in our hearts and when we give away love, that's how He comes out. He looked down at his little chest and in a loud, expressive voice he called out, "Jesus, I love you." He looked up bewildered, "Why didn't He come out?" he asked.
Lynn
Detroit, Michigan
Children say the cutest, most hilarious things! It sure is fun when we have the opportunity to see life from their perspective.
My 3-year-old son is fascinated with the concept that Jesus is in his heart. One day he asked me, "How do I get Jesus to come out of my heart?" I explained that Jesus lives in our hearts and when we give away love, that's how He comes out. He looked down at his little chest and in a loud, expressive voice he called out, "Jesus, I love you." He looked up bewildered, "Why didn't He come out?" he asked.
Lynn
Detroit, Michigan
Ten Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_15things.htm
Ten Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
At least 10 people in this world love you in some way.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
If not for you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
Five Things Niki Added Later
At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
Ten Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
At least 10 people in this world love you in some way.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
If not for you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
Five Things Niki Added Later
At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
Things To Know
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_15things.htm
Things to Know - Will and Guy's Insights
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Will and I have yet to find anybody who can give us a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks forward every spring.
There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
You should not confuse your career with your life
(i.e., never confuse having a career with having a life!).
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. (Your friends love you, anyway!)
Things to Know - Will and Guy's Insights
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Will and I have yet to find anybody who can give us a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks forward every spring.
There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
You should not confuse your career with your life
(i.e., never confuse having a career with having a life!).
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. (Your friends love you, anyway!)
Life After Marriage
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/index.htm
Life After Marriage
Daniel and Jessica, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
Life After Marriage
Daniel and Jessica, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy
Taken From: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_religious.htm
Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy
This story is allegedly true:
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'
The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'
Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy
This story is allegedly true:
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'
The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'
Caught Sleeping?
Taken From: http://www.everyjoke.com/joke/27323/caught-sleeping.html
Caught Sleeping?
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
Caught Sleeping?
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
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