Posts
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13084
A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”
She replies, “Go away! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Monday, March 8, 2010
When I'm A Little Old Lady
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/10230
When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head.
I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again.
I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!
When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head.
I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again.
I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!
Wedding Registry
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/10444
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
The Australian Ventriloquist
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13087
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13047
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Trucker Hits A Pig
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13077
A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”
A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”
DEA Dog On A Plane
Taken From: http://www.infojokes.com/index.php/archives/13082
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”
A Blonde Goes Ice Fishing
Taken From: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/ice-fishing.html
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Why I Fired My Secretary
Taken From: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/why-i-fired-my-secretary.html
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Naming The Twins
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Redneck-Jokes/Naming-the-Twins.html
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Lawyer's Dog
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Lawyer's-Dog.html
Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
Only Three Doors
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Blonde-Jokes/Only-three-doors.html
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Revenge Is Sweet
Some of you might think this is sick but I just think this is hilarious.
Taken From; http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Fart-Jokes/Revenge-Is-Sweet.html
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Taken From; http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Fart-Jokes/Revenge-Is-Sweet.html
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Just Like Dad
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Gender-Jokes/Just-Like-Dad.html
Just Like Dad
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Just Like Dad
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The Less You Know, The More You Make
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/The-Less-You-Know,-The-More-You-Make.html
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Things Only Women Understand
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Gender-Jokes/Things-Only-Women-Understand.html
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Labour Pains
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Labour-Pains.html
Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Marriage Lessons
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Relationship-Jokes/Marriage-Lessons.html
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Blonde Paint Job
Taken From: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Blonde-Jokes/Blonde-paint-job.html
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Amazing Facts
Taken From: http://www.e-jokes.net/true/027.htm
Amazing Facts
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.
Snails breathe through their feet!
Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.
The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen 'Born in the USA'.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)
2 out of 5 people live in China or India.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it...
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.
Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
What's the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.
More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!
Amazing Facts
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.
Snails breathe through their feet!
Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.
The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen 'Born in the USA'.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)
2 out of 5 people live in China or India.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it...
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.
Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
What's the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.
More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!
Devoted Love On A Special Day...LOL
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/Devoted-love-stories.asp
Devoted love on the special Day
Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"
Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.
Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.
"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"
Devoted love on the special Day
Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"
Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.
Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.
"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"
You CAN Hurry Love
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/Hurry-Love-stories.asp
You Can Hurry Love
A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.
"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"
The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"
Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"
You Can Hurry Love
A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.
"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"
The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"
Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"
How She Knows You Love Her
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/How-She-knows-you-love-her.asp
How she knows you love her
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
How she knows you love her
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
The Smart Blonde
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/SmartBlonde.asp
The Smart Blonde
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
(Thanks Phoebe)
The Smart Blonde
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
(Thanks Phoebe)
Recovering Thinker
Taken From: http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/recovering_thinker.asp
Recovering Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?
(Thanks Bill)
Recovering Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?
(Thanks Bill)
Remember To Look Down After You Lift The Lid
Taken From: http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous-028.html
Affordable Home Security - Redneck Style
Taken From: http://www.redneck-humor.com/joke/affordable-home-security
Affordable Home Security
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house."
Affordable Home Security
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house."
The Funeral
Taken From: http://www.redneck-humor.com/joke/the-funeral
The Funeral
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
The Funeral
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
I Wish You Enough
I don’t know if you’ve had this before, I think I had, but it’s still worth repeating…
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'.
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'
'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.
She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends , acquaintances and loved ones ,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'.
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'
'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.
She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends , acquaintances and loved ones ,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
This was sent to me as a email a few months ago. I've always liked it. So here it is...
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement hequieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get outof the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ........... Enough of that crap . ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. You have two choices...smile and close thispage, or pass this along to someone else tospread the fun.
Shake Yourself Off And Take A Step Up
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement hequieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get outof the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ........... Enough of that crap . ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. You have two choices...smile and close thispage, or pass this along to someone else tospread the fun.
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